


Cold, Dark, and Deep

by Socordiasomnia



Series: Headcanon Drabbles of Trainer Victor [1]
Category: Pocket Monsters: Sword & Shield | Pokemon Sword & Shield Versions
Genre: Depression, Heavy Angst, Not Beta Read, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Victor is going through a rough time, could be shippy if you want, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:54:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22942108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Socordiasomnia/pseuds/Socordiasomnia
Summary: Victor has a fascination with water that he can't exactly share with anyone.(TW: Very heavy angst and suicidal thoughts. Please be safe and don't read if that makes you uncomfortable!)
Relationships: Hop & Masaru | Victor, Hop/Masaru | Victor
Series: Headcanon Drabbles of Trainer Victor [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1700653
Comments: 4
Kudos: 99





	Cold, Dark, and Deep

**Author's Note:**

> This is a thing that I wrote in the middle of the night and just kind of rolled with. I wasn't feeling quite alright, so I thought I'd get some thoughts and headcanons out. I realized that it really helped, so I've written a couple of these character analysis-esque drabbles about a Pokémon Protagonist struggling with depression, the subject of the matter being Victor. If this does alright and people want more, I'll post those as well.
> 
> NOTE: This isn't meant to glorify negative thinking or suicidal thoughts! Quite the opposite! It's just written from the perspective of a person who isn't doing alright. If you find yourself in a situation like this, please be sure to find help! Call a suicide prevention hotline or talk to your therapist! Be safe, everyone!
> 
> This isn't beta read for obvious reasons. All of it was reviewed and edited on my own.
> 
> EDIT: Apparently rating something as "Not Rated" because you don't know what to consider it makes AO3 assume it's probably explicit content. Since it isn't, I've given it a rating. Sorry to the people who turned away from this thinking it was NSFW content. It's heavy, but not explicit.

_ Cold, dark, and deep. _

The abyss below him was fascinating in ways he couldn’t explain to others. Not in a way that they would understand. 

The only light on the lake was the moonlight overhead, hardly strong enough to illuminate the whole area, but just enough to shimmer a glow along the water’s surface.

Once in a while he would see something move beneath the depths, long and shimmering with scales. He couldn’t tell if it was a Gyarados or a Milotic, but whatever it was had moved around a couple times below where he stood. It was as if it knew he was there and it was waiting. Waiting to see if he was crazy enough just to try. 

And Arceus… was he  _ tempted _ right now. The longer he stared, the more he felt like he was being pulled in. Beckoned to fall in and let the water engulf him. He couldn’t swim. He had never learned, and he knew that if he fell in, he would probably freeze, both from the cold lake water and the shock of actually going under. But for some reason, he didn’t mind that. He didn’t care at all if he fell in. Didn’t care if he froze. Didn’t care if he  _ sank _ to the bottom and just  **_stayed_ ** there. 

Was something wrong with him? Perhaps he was sick in the head, but he truly didn’t mind. There was an empty feeling in his mind that echoed through his entire being, his body hollow and his fingers numb. It was a feeling he could only describe as not feeling at all, as confusing as it sounded. 

Whatever he was feeling… He hated it. Hated feeling it. Hated struggling to find reasons to smile or laugh or even get angry for a while. It was a feeling he couldn’t escape and it made him feel sick. 

But right now, he was sure that the water had an answer somewhere within it. He felt truly that if he fell in there, he would feel  _ something _ . If he sank into those depths, completely enveloped in darkness, the water seeping into him and filling his lungs as he drifted lower and lower into nothingness with the lake monsters… he might just feel something until it all went away. 

Was that what it would feel like to finally achieve  _ bliss? _ He was beginning to believe it. He wanted that feeling. That inner peace as he faded into nothing. Even if it hurt like hell, even if it were  _ completely painless _ . He wanted it so badly. It made his heart race and his palms sweat.  _ He wanted to feel that inner bliss. The cold claws of the night pulling him into oblivion. He was only a step away he just had to jump— _

“Victor? Is that you?”

His heart stopped. His racing mind came to a halt. The world had noise again and his ears felt flooded with sound as the chirping of bugs and the distant call of wild Pokémon hiding in the surrounding grass dragged him back to reality. He knew who was calling for him. He didn’t want to look at him. 

_ Not when he was just considering something so distasteful and irrational. _

“Good lord, where the hell have you been?!” The familiar voice spoke out again, a mixture of exasperation and relief as it drew closer. Victor could see the light shining on his back growing brighter as his friend approached him, “You had me worried sick, mate! Your mum’s going mad wondering where you’ve been! You haven’t been answering your phone at all!”

His fists clench and unclench at his sides. He was beginning to feel another shallow emotion; one that he couldn’t stand feeling and always came when he was caught in a situation like this. Was it  _ guilt? _ Why the hell did he have to feel  _ guilty _ right now? Why did he have to be found when he was  _ this fucking close? _

“...Vic? C’mon, man, say something at least. It’s super late and you’re just…  _ standing  _ there like a zombie or something. Are you okay?”

_ No, _ he thought bitterly,  _ No, I’m really not. _

Silence fell over them, the atmosphere tense and pulsing with anxious stress. The longer they stood, the more antsy he knew the boy behind him was getting. He hated this feeling so damn much. He hated that he was scaring him. He hated that someone was trying to care when he just wanted to  _ disappear.  _

He bit the inside of his cheek hard. With a huff through his nose, he finally turned around, giving the best fake smile he could muster and hoped that it didn’t look as disingenuous as it felt.

He could see him now, his best and  _ only _ friend Hop, who was looking at him as his he was staring at a headless ghost. It was hard to see in the darkness and from behind the light of his Rotom phone’s torch, but he could just make out the way his wide golden eyes shone in the moonlight, the way his brows furrowed with deep concern.

He was just as worried as he said and Victor  _ knew _ . He  _ knew _ he was scared for him and he  _ hated it. He hated it so goddamn much. His stomach was in knots and he wanted to vomit or scream or do anything to release that horrible feeling. _

Maybe he was truly selfish, but he  _ couldn’t stand feeling so fucking  _ **_guilty_ ** _ for being this horrible mess that he was. _

“...Hey. Sorry,” was all he could muster to say, his voice soft and apologetic and  _ god he couldn’t stand that gross friendly tone he always had to put on to keep people from worrying _ , “I’m fine. Just, uh, came out to think a little an’ lost track of time.”

“ _ Lost track of time? _ ” Hop parroted, incredulous, “Vic, it’s  _ one in the morning _ . No one’s heard from you since sundown!”

Victor let out a laugh— _ an equally disgusting fake laugh like a clueless idiot _ —and he raised a hand to rub at the back of his head, ruffling his messy brown hair, “Yeah, haha! I guess I really got in it for a while. Sorry I freaked ya out and all.”

The look Hop was giving him was making his stomach flip and he wanted badly to look away. It was the look of someone who wasn’t buying a single thing he was trying to sell. The concern in his face shifted slightly into what he could only assume was frustration, but it only lasted for a brief second before his lips quirked in a half smirk.

_ He wasn’t falling for it at all, but he would pretend to. He knew there was more to the story than Victor was putting on, but he wasn’t going to force him to confess. Victor wanted to throw himself in the lake even more now than ever for being so goddamn  _ **_awful_ ** _ to his best friend like this. _

“Look, don’t apologize to me,” Hop scoffed, “Save that sorry for your mum. She called my house in an absolute  _ frenzy _ , all panicked ‘cuz she  _ ‘hadn’t heard from her little Victor all day’ _ !”

Victor stifled a grimace. He was sure that was quoted verbatim from the actual phone call and it sounded  _ exactly _ how she would have said it.  _ Arceus _ , why the hell was he doing this to him?

“...Yeah… I should, uh, call her, huh?” He answered in a very noncommittal way. He knelt down to grab his bag rested in the grass at his side— _ nearly forgotten and left behind, with all of his Pokéballs inside full of a team someone else would’ve had to take care of _ —and he reached into a pocket on the side to tug out his phone before he slung the bag onto his shoulder. 

His silenced Rotom phone blinked on.  _ 23 missed calls and 34 unanswered texts. Goddamn, he wouldn’t catch a break.  _

“You better,” Hop teased, adjusting his own bag in his shoulder before turning to walk away, “C’mon, let’s get going. The last train to Wedgehurst should be coming in a half an hour. Get away from that cliff, yeah? You really had me worried, Vic.”

An icy feeling raked under Victor’s skin at that comment. He knew. He  _ totally _ knew. And he wasn’t going to say anymore about it. The brunet bit his lip before pocketing his phone and following after the other boy, leaving behind the cold, dark abyss he had gazed into so longingly. Leaving behind his one step into the deep that would give him the peace he craved most. 

They would never talk about this again, but Victor knew that Hop would never forget the mistake he almost made. 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if this was too heavy or anything. If it wasn't and you'd like more, let me know and I'll share the other things I've written! I feel a lot for the friendship that Hop has with the player, so they all involve the two of them working through this kind of stuff.


End file.
